Maybe i don’t really want to change.
They said to take small steps
but lately it feels I’ve been running from the pain.
One foot after another,
but in the same direction, doesn’t that spell ‘insane’?
But I’m just sayin.
I’m definitely no saint but God damnit I’ve been prayin.
Oh fuck it, that’s a lie.
You know i only start when I’m done complaining.
I know what is right,
so why do i keep doing what’s wrong?
I’m looking to shed some light,
is it really darkest before the dawn?
Lord would you show me the way?
Before I’m too far gone?
Jon Lau / 16 Dec 2022
Goodbye again. Another step closer and I think I’m going mentally insane. The struggle is real and I’m starting to feel the pain. Not bitching, I’m just saying. How many times I gotto die and restart just to win this fucking game? The trains come and gone now I’m that lame, left at the platform. Left feet digging into clutch, I’m geared up, but how do you figure I get back on? When I don’t even fucking know what went wrong? When I can’t even stand strong? I got a bag full of plaques, useless facts that I flex. All written in stone, no covering these tracks. Please no pats on the back this isn’t some pity sad song. I let my mind wander for a minute, just to get the slack on. It’s no wonder what they said and they mean, “if you ain’t the boot, you get stepped on”. But what’s the fucking difference when the sole is my soul? Is it dirt I step on? If this is some sick joke I swear it’s fucking airborne. I see hope but it feels like I only grasp straws. I guess I’m that kid who only learns through hands on. But everything he touches, he just tears down. Now my plan’s gone. Said I’d stir it up, make ripples, but the waters stagnant. Said I’d make waves. So here’s waving. Goodbye.
Jon Lau / 9 Oct 2022
Man, they said I’m a show off.
But that’s so far from the fact it’s so wrong.
I got the truth in my hands and I’m trying so hard to hold on.
But you just keep taking and taking and taking till it’s all gone!
I’m trying to keep the peace on this road I’m on.
Why are you painting this picture of me which I know I’m not?
I wanna speak for myself but so many things I’m choking on.
But that’s ok, I wanna see the snakes I gotto mow the lawn.
Put my back into it and I know I’ll prove em wrong.
Jon Lau/ 29 sept 2022
It’s Jon Doe.
Down low but I ain’t losin control.
Wear me a noose but I’m tippin on toes.
Head’s above water I’m keepin composed.
Cutting it close this con knows.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes.
More than I can count, too many missed takes.
Got me stuck in this place.
Eating fish cakes and biscuits.
If the walls were any softer,
you’d see how many holes this fist makes.
Look closer and it spells “J was here”.
Past tense while I leave behind the fear.
I’m not a product of the system.
Even if I have to, I’ll crawl out of this prison.
Hands and knees I’ll call out for the wisdom.
Jon Lau / 3 Aug 2022
I really wanna talk to you.
Just have a conversation like about the weather or about how hot you look.
I see you walking your dog
Then I have crazy thoughts, like “if only I was your dog”, you get where I’m coming from?
Maybe I’m just lonely,
And the only way I feel contact is when I take words and put them in a story.
Please don’t ignore me.
I see you looking too and suddenly I see myself waking up beside you in the morning.
Yes I can get like that, a visionary.
I’m in no hurry and I know that these visions aren’t imaginary.
I’m a missionary when I lie on my back thinking about the definition of matrimony.
Jon Lau / 22 Sept 2022
How do I love when I don’t love myself?
How do I break free from this addiction when I love this cell?
I’m looking for heaven but lately it seems I’m happy walking thru hell.
They sellin me lies and I’m grabbing them like it’s products off the shelf.
Im trying to deal with anxiety
but society isn’t helping much I’m suffering silently sitting in the corner so quietly.
Man I hate sobriety when I’m low I just wanna be high and when I’m high I just wanna be low, yo isn’t that such irony.
It’s tiring spinning in circles like a broken record and like everyone else I’m just hoping for acceptance
and the lack of it saddens me yet the company I keep maddens,
they said this is life and shit happens. I really hope this stops when I reach heaven.
But bitch you haven’t, so suck it up and count to eleven.
I’m talking about air and the extra second isn’t irrelevant,
it’s to remind you that you could always take a second more to search for evidence and not be suicidal jumping to conclusions.
Jon Lau / 22 sept 2022
I swear there’s something inside me.
It’s just sitting, waiting so quietly.
I’m tryna ingore the elephant in this room but it’s so tiring.
I hate the stares so I take the stairs, now my quads are firing.
My gas is running low even though I’ve been idling.
And the ride that I am in is breaking down, this a marathon but I’m no ironman.
This gaping wound hurts where’s the fucking iodine?
Man I think I’m a little unsound.
I’m tryna calm down, but when the sun’s down,
I get a little choked up like my tongue’s round.
If that sounds like a joke it’s cos I’m that dumb clown.
Been trying to hide that, guess now I’ve been found out.
I’m talking behind my own back cos I got a foul mouth.
Oh so you got a frown now?
Yeah I see you but I ain’t gon bow down.
I got the heart of a rebel man, my style’s wild.
Jon Lau / 16 sept 2022
“Something’s wrong with jon.
Locked in his room with his curtains drawn.
It must be that porn.
Or whatever grass he’s smoking,
he definitely ain’t mowing that lawn.”
But you see this chef is cooking up a storm.
I’m taking all the hate then go and make me a song.
Just to pick me up, so I sit and I plot.
On these benches with strangers and the only friend I have is God.
They don’t get me, I wanna shout so badly.
And sadly, I’m on the same road
but my steps quick, I pack heat,
Get out of my way fore I run you over with a stampede.
No abortion on this mission cos I planned it.
You’re a hater cos you don’t understand it.
My horses they comin man imma ‘stang it.
I’m quiet cos I’m thinking
And you’re blabbering cos you drinkin.
I’ll pave my own path, stayin off yours cos it’s beaten.
You can go first man I ain’t competing.
I’ll stay in my path and I’ll stay committed.
And when I feel down and lost, I’ll just come read it.
Spit on my wounds then I lick it.
It ain’t pretty, its prickly, this surgery can get quite tricky.
But that’s the only way man when these ppl just wanna bleed me.
Jon Lau /15 sept 2022
I need some help here please.
Bout to roll the dice n it’s a huge risk.
There’s a gaping hole n I hope this pen fills this.
Being in the present got me feeling like it’s Christmas.
But these whispers
got me putting my fist first
into walls that are painted with riddles.
Fuck a stalemate I’m making ripples.
I’m whipping pistols
And it’s clear like crystal.
No meth it’s pure method
On the grind imma smash em with mallets.
I’m no man of steel,
But it’s the law of attraction and I’m a magnet.
Now lemme put this on record.
These wreck hurts,
But I ain’t one to be scared of purge.
I scratched dirt at rock bottom,
Now the only way is up and imma stalk em.
God, where am I going?
I’m taking the high road but whys it sobering?
My mind is racing but the finish line so blurry.
I’m a manic in this traffic,
Going nowhere fast but I still rev it.
I eat my emotions then puke them here like I’m anorexic.
These thoughts keep coming and going like they’re elastic.
Got so many questions but I don’t hear me asking:
God, where am I going?
Jon Lau / 12 sept 2022